I really dont even know where to begin with this…..but this is a cautionary tale. I learn two major lessons:
- Once a crazy bitch, always a crazy bitch
- No matter how lonely things get, its better to grind it out then play with fire.
Most of you know the story about THE ex. We “dated” on and off for the better part of 3 years, and it was only a healthy relationship for about 3 months or so. After that it was a revolving door of other guys she would lie to me about, and my young dumbass was too in love to accept the fact she treated me like shit. Then she got engaged, and for a while I continued to put up with the lies because she was a girl who would pay attention to me.
Well after he finally was smart enough to break off the engagement, it was on to another guy for her. At this point I was living in LA county but would spend most nights at her apartment. Most of these nights were spent alone, but I really liked her neighbors so I didn’t mind it all too much. So every night it was me, taking care of her dog while she hung out at her co-workers. I can’t recall the exact moment of clarity, but one day I just reached it and walked out on her. It was such a liberating moment, and from that moment on I decided I would never let her control me again like she did. It was such an emotional drain, and after the fact I realized how stupid I was.
Well I messed up and let the evil one back into my life, and it has been nothing but stress since I did it. It all started again in October, when while bored and lonely during the overnight shift I reached out to her via Facebook. O the evils of Facebook, it is so easy to reconnect with people you know you have no business talking to. Couple that with working overnight and living alone you can easily make horrible decisions you would not make otherwise. Well we chatted for a little bit and it was actually a pleasant convo, which I found surprising because I had not talked to her in a long time. At this point it had been at least a year, which only happened because of another Facebook interaction.
Well when I was in Orange County for Thanksgiving, I stopped by her apartment to say hi. It was a short hangout, but once again it was a good time so I started to think she had changed, which was stupid on my part. Next thing I knew, she was coming down on a regular basis. We would watch movies, drink, and she would take me out to dinner. I am always team broke, but she is pretty well off so I was cool with the free stuff. Through all of this I made a point to tell her that this was nothing more then a casual thing, and we were not in a relationship. I reminded her of the pain she caused me, and while I was enjoying the time together I was still emotionally closed off to her. She took me to a Chargers game, and that is when I saw the writing on the wall. She spent the whole day trying to hold my hand and get romantic in front of my friends, and when I refused she got mad.
Well I brushed that day off and blamed it on the alcohol, and started to make excuses on why we couldn’t hang out. Then all of a sudden she told me she got a job in San Diego and would be moving down, and that was when I knew I was in too deep. I should have cut ties then, but instead she offered me a good amount of money to stay with me for two weeks in February. My job doesn’t pay the greatest right now, so I am always struggling to make ends meet. This money was going to help me out, so I agreed. Well we hung out once or twice in January, and she started acting different. Always trying to cuddle, sending me texts saying she missed me, and getting mad when I did not respond. This whole time I was able to keep myself closed off emotionally, but she obviously was in love with me and wanting more.
Right before she moved in, we had a sit down at her hotel room in Orange County. I explained my side, saying I made a mistake by letting this go on and that I was confident I would never be able to love her. It was hard, because I am the type of person who hates giving bad news. I was direct, but she was in denial. She said I was just doing what other people wanted me to do, and that I wasn’t being true to my feelings. She would not listen, but I did say she could still stay with me because I knew she needed too.
So here we were, staying under the same roof. It was awkward, she did not start working like she said. Instead saying her start date had been delayed due to medical issues. Still don’t know what those were, but I just shrugged it off. She would sit on the couch all day and drink, and I started to dread coming home from work. She continued to text me all those lovey dovey things, and I did my best to not respond. This would obviously make her mad, and I just continued to remind her this wasn’t a relationship. So I was drinking/smoking almost every day because I needed to do something to keep myself from being annoyed. Obviously that was the wrong decision, because that would lead to me making horrible decisions like having sex with her. But hey, I am a guy. If you throw yourself at me and I have had a few, it is not in my DNA to say no.
So I know what I did wrong, and I understood the mixed messages. But when I was sober I would always say the same thing. “This isn’t a relationship, and I know I do not love you.” Well most of the time she was too drunk to listen, so it was like talking to a wall.
Well the Saturday before Valentines Day, I had an entire day of events planned after work. I went to Padres Fanfest, then the Aztecs game, then had a birthday party to go to. She was under the impression she was going to, but that was not the case. I told her she was not welcomed, and that I just wanted to go out with my friends. I was rude about it, but instead of being direct I was hoping she would get the message that this was never going to be anything. Well I had such an amazing day, but in the process got really drunk. The last thing I remember from that night is being at my friends house, but yet I woke up at home naked in bed. I knew this could not be good. That next morning I was miserably hungover, and she was all giddy. Shit! What did I do… Well according to her I came home, said all this romantic stuff and we had “amazing” sex.
Alcohol: Why you do me so wrong?
Well the next couple days were awkward, as I tried to push her away she was trying to get closer and closer. Things came to a breaking point the day before Valentines Day, as she kept trying to make plans for V-Day and I just reminded her I did not want to celebrate it with her. Well I went out and watched a soccer match with my friend, and when she asked to go I told her she could not because in my words: I wanted to have a good time.
I had become more and more mean, and I knew this would lead to bad things. Well when I came home after work on V-Day, she greeted me with candles and was just trying to act so romantic, and it really pissed me off. I told her I would go furniture shopping with her, and while there she kept implying to the worker that we were moving somewhere together and we this and we that. I sat there quiet and was texting a friend the play by play, and thats when I decided…. I needed to end this, and I needed to do it now. Things were way out of hand, and I was losing control of the situation…..
To be continued.